What Role comes first ? #MyMother’sguilt

When anyone asks me who I am, my first answer in 2015 is “I’m a student midwife” but in 2012 It would have been” I’m a mother”. I know this may be shocking to you reader but it is my truth. I am proud to be a student midwife and midwifery is in my life in a profoundly positive way. I think at my age most women are mothers yet how many are students. I feel so blessed to be in my position and on this amazing journey. Still, I was a mother first and being a mother brought me to midwifery.However , I ask myself “what do my son’s think about that ?”.I wondered why I speak firstly about midwifery now not motherhood is it because it has taken over my life. I am a mother , a wife , a daughter , a friend and a student midwife aren’t I? BUT does the order in which I proclaim it matter ?.

I have 2 sons ,16 and 7 ( yes that is a huge age gap – like being on two different planets at the same time ). I am the “mother” that forgets its non-school uniform day, doesn’t bake for the cake sale , misses book afternoon, forgets lunch money , not there at pickup time and so many other “school moments”. If I am truthful , that has always been me , so my training has not changed that . What it has changed is the way I feel about “mother’s guilt”. This is the sinking feeling that I get when I miss an event , a moment in time, are not there when they need me and feel rubbish at being a mother. Over my 16 yrs of motherhood I have had quite a few , but since I began my training that feeling has changed .Ok, I miss things because of my training , I spend days/nights in my books, then 12 hr shifts that have patterns when I don’t even see them in their school uniform; just the faint memory of washing and ironing it at some point. Yet, I don’t feel that “mothers guilt “in the same way anymore. I believe that what I aim to achieve in my life will make their lives better.Midwifery is all over our house , the books , the journals , the uniform hung up in odd places to dry it in time for my shift and of course the huge amounts of paper that every degree necessitates. My son’s see how much I do, the “time” I manage well and the happiness I feel in my life doing what I do.  So, I think seeing me so enthusiastic about life and working so hard is the most positive way of  “being” and “living” that I can share with my sons. I think I say “student midwife ” first because it so important to me and THEM.

BUT I decided to ask my son’s what they thought …To be continued .

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