Midwifery Identity with a little help from my Friends.

I am writing this because I have faced challenges in placement , I have cried , contemplated , considered and had to step away to chill ! ( A day of nothingness but music, reading and poetry ). Still, I know that midwifery is for ME. Its emotional work with highs and lows. In my post Positive Beginnings I spoke of my ticket to the rollercoaster. Well, I can honestly say that that being a student midwife is like being on a carousel… spinning round somedays and enjoying the ride but somedays you just want to get off.

When Deirdre Munro said on twitter ” Cordy you are an #Acornic midwife “, I wrote a blog all about it. I decided to embrace being acornic , seeking nourishment from Twitter and my Twitter mentors. I tweeted everyday for my positivity challenge and encouraged others to be a part of twitter. Yet, I wondered whether I was growing ….

Ok …. I don’t mean in terms of chubbiness … (believe me when I say I am a first class diet procrastinator ). I mean as a student midwife, I was eager to be back in placement and be “with woman” to see whether my positivity and development had made a difference to the way I cared for women.

The short answer is YES… and that is because I was happier , I was positive, I felt supported in my Twitter family by my twitter buddies .Ultimately though , MY BELIEF  and COURAGE in my abilities had grown and although I know there is so much more to learn. I know I am ready to be the learner – the STUDENT I want to be.

So this Acornic midwife has her roots  and they are firmly planted in the Twitter global village of midwives ..Don’t you think ?.

Thankyou to @DeirdreMunro @JennytheM @RosieHotchinMW @sally5881 @toffeelady08 @SageFemmeSB for nourishing this Acorn with light , love and encouragement to grow . xx Love Cordy xx

Motherhood began at 20yrs old , I knew I wanted to breastfeed my baby but had no idea what it really was all about. My mum did not breastfeed me or my brother and had no clue. In all honesty I think she found the idea abhorrent as her mother never breastfed and no other woman in my family had either. She told me it would be too hard and I wouldn’t like feeding him in public .She was in no way positive about the idea and even brought me a steriliser with bottles. So, I asked my partner’s mum Daisy what she thought. Her reply filled me with positivity as she said how wonderful it was. She was honest that it could be tricky at first but that it would be worth it. Her eyes shone when she spoke of that time in her life and the bond it created. My determination to breastfeed was firmly rooted (pardon the pun !). My son was born(that’s a very long story for another day). I asked for help and the midwife talked me through how to latch him on. My son and I took a day then a night, to really even get started as we were exhausted. Yet, we did it , it was just as Daisy said. I found it hard but I knew I could do it and my son seemed to know what he was doing. Three weeks later, I was crying. The baby that had latched was no longer latching and he cried as much as I did. My son was still completely nocturnal and I had no idea what time of day or night it actually was. Back then there was no Jeremy Kyle to watch at 4am or any channels that were showing re-runs of casualty. I sat at night on the sofa trying to breastfeed and then trying to put my son in his moses basket which he refused to sleep in. On a day when I was sitting on my sofa just crying and convinced that I was not feeding my baby enough, my dad called. Now, my dad was not happy that his twenty year old daughter had a baby (quitting her law degree) and found the issue of breastfeeding one that made him uncomfortable. He would go out of the room when I fed my son and even call out to ask if I was finished before he would return. He openly admitted that he had never seen anyone breastfeed and was not going to see me do it. That day I asked him to come to my house and he must have heard how upset I was. He arrived an hour later driving from his workplace (still suited and booted ) and gave me a hug. I cried and told him that I was needing him to get some formula milk and help me get the steriliser out. He was shocked and said he would help. I thought my dad would be so happy to get the bottles out but then he stopped.He told me how proud he was of me , what a wonderful thing I was doing for my son and that I could work it out. He believed in me. He put on my favourite song that year ‘Life ‘ by DesRee and we danced around my kitchen. I looked at my son and he looked at me. I knew then that I believed in US , we were a team . I grew him , I birthed him and I could feed him. That was a turning point for me , I was doing ok, I could do it. So I found positivity from the most unlikeliest person. My dad gave me the encouragement to carry on , not because he knew what to do but because he listened and was there when I needed him.

The rain is non-stop , the sky is grey , the wind is blowing and it could make me feel blue. Still,today as I sit at my laptop ; I feel happy with sunshine in my life. The happiness of sunshine comes from within as I recognise my life as it is. I have a great life , wonderful sons , supportive husband , friends that I cherish and I am fulfilled .What a great feeling that is…

Yet, the path I walk on to midwifery is a challenge as it can feel so overwhelming. The feelings evoked by others, the time that passes so quickly with deadlines looming, the childcare arrangements that need to fit to an off duty and the balancing act of my life. I suppose you could say it is like todays weather , some days it is raining and grey when you feel like you have taken on too much. Those days are the days when the training to become a midwife seems too hard and the responsibility can feel like a great weight. Those days can feel long …

Then there is the feeling I have today in the warm surrounded by my family with the sunshine provided by their laughter and positivity. I liken that to a day in training whereby you care , embrace and show compassion for the woman birthing her baby. You witness the joy, love in the room and know you are home. By that I mean the place of a midwife , to be “with woman”.

So on a grey day when the rain is pouring I know I need to remember how I feel today about my life and I will stay on the sunshine path ~ Positivity.

Today, I

When you meet a person that “gets you”, that you can say what you think and share your emotions.  You need to tell them…

At the end of my 1st yr in midwifery I felt alone , not physically but in my ideas and my enthusiasm. My fellow cohort member Rachel chatted with me and we connected. She was that person I had been looking for. She got “me” and I “got” her. We shared ideas and opinions. We debated our views and challenged each other to think “outside the box”. We attended a study day together , on that day we decided to join up to become the “lone nuts”. We had watched the leadership clip and Sheena Byrom had spoke about making change.We wanted to do that. The facebook page “Normal Birth for Lone nuts” was birthed!!!. The “lone nut” wants to create a movement so we did. We passionately believed in women abilities to birth and wanted to share this positivity with all women. To reduce the fear of birth with pictures , research and art which had the potential to create positivity around physiological birth.

The page is growing , it has 800 likes. It is blossoming …. as Rachel and I grow into our midwifery identity.

The people I interact with each day on twitter “get” me . I have a voice that has been described as “gentle” , “open-hearted” and “protonic” by the wonderful twitter community that has embraced me. I feel like I am part of a family and for that I am truly thankful as I know I will not be alone anymore. My twitterbuddies  have supported positivity and NBFLN  which makes my heart soar. I am so glad that we can call them friends and that our enthusiasm is so welcomed. So to Deirdre Munro , Sally Goodwin and Jenny Clarke I say ” Thank you for the warmth , kindness , support that you have provided for this nut to grow “.