In my first ever blog I wrote about finding positivity and honestly that has been crucial in these last few months . The deadlines and the pressure have been overwhelming at times..I knew the degree would be tough and that I would be tested mentally and physically .Yet, if I told you that back in January 2016 I managed to run myself over with my car and it was a positive thing .You would firstly laugh and then you would ask HOW ?
So to understand this I should firstly say that I started this degree as a woman that wanted to grow and flourish into a midwife. I have loved my course and feel so honoured to be a student midwife . The challenges of learning practical skills alongside theoretical knowledge based on evidence have been huge . I have taken on roles that I am inspired to be part of and they have helped me to build and broaden my experiences . I have risen to the challenge and have grown into a woman centred practitioner which I am so proud to say.
However, my final year has been tough and honestly I have really struggled. I have a persona that shouts positivity but sometimes I cannot find it . I have turned to twitter and my blog to aid it but back in January I was so tired . I was drained and my positivity was lost. I looked for it but then I had my accident . The details are crazy and you couldn’t make them up . I managed to be under my car and my shoes (green converse ) were still on the pavement. So, I was lucky that day that I didn’t end up in an ambulance. My hand was degloved and I was unable to go back to placement.but I was OK. Yet, it was in the days that followed that I realised how much I was loved and cared for by the people around me. My true friends rallied and gave me so much support . I cried and was broken as my future was in jeopardy. My degree on hold . I had to wait weeks for my hand to heal and a bespoke programme wonderfully organised by my tutor. to be in place. The accident made me appreciate what I have and what I want to achieve. So it was a POSITIVE thing.
My degree is coming to an end and I keep thinking about the journey I have been on. The testing times that have shaped me. Still, I know that the career I have chosen will test me over and over again. So I will come back to my blog and write my story.- A new life chapter awaits me . Newly Qualified Midwife . How exciting xxx
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 3,700 times in 2015. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 3 trips to carry that many people.
Click here to see the complete report.
“It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day to day basis.” Margaret Bonnano.
“Some people feel the rain – others just get wet”. Roger Millar
“The more things you do , the more you can do “. Lucille Ball.
The year 2015 will be a year etched in my memory and on my heart . I can compare this year to a weather report. Some days have been so bright I have needed sunglasses (Time toGrow15) but there have been cloudy days in my training that have warranted reflection with self-care .Still, the birth of my blog in March 2015 was a rainbow day as it was the day that I wrote about my positive beginnings. I know that the beginning of the blog was from feelings that needed to be shared after a storm: reflecting on my life journey of love and loss. I am so thankful for this beginning as I have found that I love to write; that I write with my heart on the keyboard (open and honest). I have explored my emotions and feelings with this medium;growing as a human being through it. I have had the honour of co-blogging and found joy in reading so many other blogs this year. I know they have shaped my understanding of myself and those around me.
I set out to write about positive happenings and how I could keep my positivity when feeling challenged by my life.As I read my blog entries I see that I have evolved ; been taught many lessons but still have a learning journey ahead . Yet, today after I thought about positivity and what it has done for me this year I realised that positivity has enabled the biggest embrace in my life . I have broadened my sense of possibilities. I have opened my mind which has allowed me to build new skills and take up resources (Twitter, RCMSMF,WeMidwives,Sprogcast). By building on these with enthusiasm and commitment , they have provided so much value to all areas of my life. I have found friends. People that I have never met or hugged in real life. I can call on (tweet) when I feel in the middle of a storm or a really rainy day but equally will share my sunshine (positivity) and wear their sunglasses with me too.
I will not deny that I have found some days so hard and challenging but I believe I have built a foundation that is strong and ready to withstand the storms ahead.
#ComingSoon2016 #CordyBlog #OxyhugsForAll
In this blog I look at my son’s response to my question ” what is it like having a student midwife mum?”. I did ask him to be honest and he was , but I think there is so much more he wanted to say but didn’t . I liked reading his positive stance on my midwifery training and what has happened in our lives through it. Yet, I know that he has days when I am too busy to be “Mum” or when I get home from a 12hr shift I grimace rather than smile if he asks me to help him. The mother’s guilt I spoke about in my blog prompted me to ask him and this is what he wrote.
“Where do I start, I’m so glad that my mum has found something she is passionate about. She always comes home whether it’s been a tough or an excellent day with a smile on her face for us. Now, don’t get me wrong there are some difficulties. Being a 16 year old you can imagine my reluctance to take up more household chores to help out.
It’s really awesome to have a role model like my mum who is chasing something she really strongly believes in; one day I hope to be a doctor myself, so that inspiration from her really helps to motivate me. I’m really happy that she’s achieving big things and one day will be a great midwife.”
I’ve never seen my mum so stressed out in her entire life about essays and placement. I remember the time when I tipped the vase full of water, and of course her flowers over my school clothes (That was not a good morning!). Or when my little brother decided school can wait for his extended sleeping hours. Nevertheless, I know my mum will always love us no matter how difficult we make things sometimes.
It’s been a long and difficult past couple years for us, but I know my mum has loved every single step of the way and has achieved so much in such little time. We’re all so proud of her and I can’t wait till she qualifies. ”
This response made me smile,but I know he feels so much more. I wonder when he is a man whether he will tell me what these years really felt like.
NOW my little son (7yrs nearly 8 – get it right mum ) when asked ” what did he think about mummy training to be a midwife ?” He told me this (verbatim)
” Mumma , sometimes I go to nannies because you have to go to work so early , I don’t mind because she makes good toast. I think you look lovely in your uniform and I like your upside down watch. You are kind and You help women BUT please never bring any of those babies home ! OK? ”
When anyone asks me who I am, my first answer in 2015 is “I’m a student midwife” but in 2012 It would have been” I’m a mother”. I know this may be shocking to you reader but it is my truth. I am proud to be a student midwife and midwifery is in my life in a profoundly positive way. I think at my age most women are mothers yet how many are students. I feel so blessed to be in my position and on this amazing journey. Still, I was a mother first and being a mother brought me to midwifery.However , I ask myself “what do my son’s think about that ?”.I wondered why I speak firstly about midwifery now not motherhood is it because it has taken over my life. I am a mother , a wife , a daughter , a friend and a student midwife aren’t I? BUT does the order in which I proclaim it matter ?.
I have 2 sons ,16 and 7 ( yes that is a huge age gap – like being on two different planets at the same time ). I am the “mother” that forgets its non-school uniform day, doesn’t bake for the cake sale , misses book afternoon, forgets lunch money , not there at pickup time and so many other “school moments”. If I am truthful , that has always been me , so my training has not changed that . What it has changed is the way I feel about “mother’s guilt”. This is the sinking feeling that I get when I miss an event , a moment in time, are not there when they need me and feel rubbish at being a mother. Over my 16 yrs of motherhood I have had quite a few , but since I began my training that feeling has changed .Ok, I miss things because of my training , I spend days/nights in my books, then 12 hr shifts that have patterns when I don’t even see them in their school uniform; just the faint memory of washing and ironing it at some point. Yet, I don’t feel that “mothers guilt “in the same way anymore. I believe that what I aim to achieve in my life will make their lives better.Midwifery is all over our house , the books , the journals , the uniform hung up in odd places to dry it in time for my shift and of course the huge amounts of paper that every degree necessitates. My son’s see how much I do, the “time” I manage well and the happiness I feel in my life doing what I do. So, I think seeing me so enthusiastic about life and working so hard is the most positive way of “being” and “living” that I can share with my sons. I think I say “student midwife ” first because it so important to me and THEM.
BUT I decided to ask my son’s what they thought …To be continued .